First words from The B-Side

Welcome to the first edition of The B-Side! I’m so glad you’re here. I hope this will be a place where you can relax into words, listen to some tunes, and find some helpful insight.

Check out the Moody Weather playlist on Spotify. You can hit play while you read the newsletter and let the music help you to sink into the moment. Or, you can save the playlist for later when you take time to decompress. I created this awhile back when I needed a collection of songs that would soothe me. It’s a sweet balm.

Let’s get into it…

Last week I watched an episode of The Drew Barrymore Show, and one her guests was Rob Lowe. Drew played a game where images from Rob’s career were on the screen, and he offered secrets from the set. One of the pictures was the main cast of St. Elmo’s Fire sitting outside of the bar that they frequented in the movie. I saw it, and my breath caught in my chest and tears sprung up. Released in 1985, during my sophomore year of high school, that movie gave me ideas of what adult life was supposed to look like. Good friends gathered together, some with ongoing issues and repeated patterns of self-sabotage, others with blossoming careers and unrequited love. They were in it together, even when things went awry.

The image reminded of how I thought life would turn out. I believed I’d have close friends that showed up for me. You know, the ones who would come crashing through your door when you’re holed up in bed after a loss. The people who have your back, no matter the damage you have done or witnessed or suffered. However, I find myself sitting alone in my small home, feeling far from family and friends. I recognize that I am probably at the loneliest point in my life.

I always valued a sense of community, that feeling when others are gathered around, and you feel less alone. Even though I tend to be a bit of a loner in my older age, I can usually build a sense of community wherever I go. I find people who are seeking, and I somehow fit in. I like to make a difference for others. I appreciate that when I show up, I can offer empathy, or listen, or guide in some way. Relationships tend not to be as reciprocal as I would like, but I think maybe that’s because I’m not always willing or able to allow myself vulnerability. It’s hard to do that trust fall of sorts. To lay yourself out there, to share the truth of who you are and what you’ve gone through, and then hope others accept you for all you are.

The pandemic was a barrier to gathering, to traveling, to connecting. Even though it has eased up some, though not completely over, I still find myself relatively isolated. There are days I love the solitude, maybe even most days. However, there are many others where I just wish someone who wouldn’t judge the mess of my house or my hair would just show up at my door with food, and a little gift, and some love. They don’t though. I know I created this space between myself and others, yet I’m not quite sure how to change it. I yearn for a shift, yet also for the first time in my life, I have no idea which way to go. I’m usually great at setting a goal, devising a plan, and then, through multiple obstacles, I find my way. This time, I feel stuck. I can’t move because I’m unsure the direction to go.

That desire to for a new community and different vibe is why I needed to create this newsletter. I’m ready for change, and I’m ready to be seen. If I am able to allow you in, then maybe we can all benefit.

This week reflect on the dreams you held across your lifetime. Think of the careers you thought you’d have, the relationships you hoped to grow, the life you thought you’d create.

How close are you to those goals? If you are close to all you wanted, express gratitude for all that got you here, including yourself and the steadfastness required to follow through. Sit and admire the view.

On the flip side, if you are far from the goals, are they even still valid? Is it time to let those goals go and define new ones? If you still want them, then what steps can you take this week to move closer to them? What shifts can happen that will allow you to have those things you desire? Believe in yourself and take a chance.

You can write your thoughts down in a journal entry, a bullet list, and quick note on torn paper. Or, you can keep the thoughts swirling in your mind. Just trust that every little shift works like a domino to move the next piece. Also, soon you will also be able to comment and connect here, so that you can share where you’re at on the path and connect with others in the same place.

Sit for a bit and listen to the music, if you can. Right now, Let it Be Me by Ray LaMontagne is playing. Big deep breath in, feeling your stomach rise. Hold that breath for few seconds. Release.

Thank you for being here with me. I’m glad you let me crash through your virtual door.

For this first issue, all content is free. In the future, playlists, tools developed to assist, comments, and a greater sense of community will be behind the paywall. It feels a little like tough love to say that, yet I want to reserve the time in my schedule to make it worthwhile for all, and I need funding to do so. Costs are minimal at $5/month or $55/year. I hope you’ll join us.

See you next time on The B-Side.